Je Suis Back

I have been on a sizeable hiatus from writing. And when I say sizeable, I am talking Harper Lee sizeable, but without the talent and elder abuse. It has been 5 years since I last published and this happened due to a total lack of inspiration. So little occurred during the years 2016 to 2020 that warranted my attention, I refocused my energies on renovating the dud of a house we bought and contemplated my own funeral.

The house is coming along just fine as is the ass shaped dent in my sofa from watching endless You Tube videos on how to seal and paint basements, paint kitchen cabinets, concrete skim countertops and epoxy bathrooms. What is also coming along just fine is the heinous disease I am percolating having inhaled countless noxious substances over this period.

The funeral plans have been narrowed down to Xandu's in Guardians of the Galaxy II (apologies for that spoiler but if you have not seen that movie yet, frankly you deserve to have it ruined). Space funeral seems a little ambitious, so I have opted for Viking. Nordic boat and my family shooting arrows from the shore to set it alight as I drift over a majestic waterfall in Fjordland.

The reality of this will be me in a bin bag, on the kids plastic sleds drifting out onto the most polluted part of the Hudson. I won't end up from Fjord to ocean but instead from Scrotum on Hudson to Jersey City attached to a garbage dredge on its way to China. A fitting end to a life well lived.

So my hiatus has ended and I am attempting to pull some stories out of my ass for the merriment of all during these idiotic times.

You may notice after 5 years in America I am now entirely bilingual. Any confusion, I would like to direct you to Google translate. That said, I often use the English English when writing but have found ass packs more of a punch than arse. You can work out the rest.